


Not Quite Purple Prose, But Just As Bad

by tuesday



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bad Advice, Established Relationship, F/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 16:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20509835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/pseuds/tuesday
Summary: In which Tony has an advice column and is determined to share the load with his ghost writer.





	Not Quite Purple Prose, But Just As Bad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madeinessos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeinessos/gifts).

> This is not canon compliant. It's set some indeterminate time post-AoU and includes Natasha/Tony as an established relationship.

"Right, let's do this," Tony said, rubbing his hands together. "How hard can it be?"

The first letter writer had an annoying neighbor. His tree kept encroaching on her property, and he refused to trim it despite several limbs reaching out over the fence and shedding leaves which she was forced to rake.

Easy: buy out the neighbor.

Except—no. Not an option on your average person's budget.

"Do you have a chainsaw?" Tony started his response. "If not: get one. It's a must for every good home owner or would-be horror movie villain. As I am definitely not suggesting murdering your neighbor, I'm going to assume you're the former, not the latter."

Natasha came in as Tony was finishing up. She read over his shoulder, not being in the least subtle about it, hooking her chin over said shoulder and pressing against his back. The wheeled stool moved forward an inch as she rested her weight against him. "That response is wildly inappropriate."

"And I suppose you can do better?" Tony asked.

"Yes," Natasha said simply. Tony waited. She didn't enlighten him on where he'd gone wrong.

"Did you want something?" Tony asked.

"Yes," Natasha repeated. She brushed her lips against the side of his neck.

"I have work," Tony said, but they both knew he didn't mean it.

"You have a vanity project." Natasha pushed against Tony's arm and swung the stool around so he faced her. "I'm doing your audience a favor by distracting you. Stick to engineering. Let your ghost writer handle it."

"You're doing someone a favor." Tony put his hands on her hips.

She pushed until Tony's back was digging into the edge of his desk. She climbed into his lap. She alternated gentle kisses with nipping and nibbling at his lips until they were hot and swollen and he swore he could taste blood. It really was very distracting. His elbow knocked back and hit the keyboard. 

"Come to bed," Natasha said.

"I am pretty beat," Tony said.

They went to bed. Eventually, they even went to sleep.

—

In the morning, when Tony went to check his draft, it was gone. The keyboard was on the floor. Dum-E was hiding in his charger like a guilty dog. Once was happenstance; twice, a coincidence. This was enemy action.

"Et tu, Dum-E?" Tony said. "FRIDAY, did you save my draft?" 

"Pulling it up for you now, Boss," FRIDAY said.

What came up was a keyboard smash.

"That's very helpful." Tony dumped the keyboard back on the desk. "Why is everyone so against this?"

"Because you're terrible at it," Natasha said, strolling in the room carrying a plate with two breakfast burritos. "Come eat with me."

"No one interferes with Steve's Instagram," Tony said, but he moved to join Natasha on the couch. The burrito was pretty good, though for some reason it had a hint of … nutmeg? "Or Vision's cooking blog. Vision can't even taste food! The man hasn't tried a single one of his own recipes, just uses the rest of us like guinea pigs." Tony was pretty sure this burrito was another experiment. "No one's asking them to stop."

"Neither of them are asking to get sued by advising someone to trespass and chop down their neighbor's tree." Natasha had that quirk to her lips that said she was laughing at him. "Though I have to admit it was better than the one with the angry mother-in-law."

"Yeah, Legal wasn't happy about that one."

"Tony." Natasha laid a hand on his knee. "Why did you really start your advice column?"

"I'm bored," Tony admitted. "So bored. Extremely bored."

"And you couldn't find work to do for SI?"

"Not that bored." Tony sighed. "I wanted to give back a little in a way that wasn't throwing money or inventions at it."

"You're good at throwing money and inventions at it." Natasha patted his knee. "But if you're that desperate, you can help with my outreach program for at risk youths."

"Sure," Tony agreed. "It'll be fun. You, me, a sea of sticky, annoying children. I can do this."

"Don't make me regret this," Natasha said, but she was smiling.

—

Tony made her regret it.

"In my defense," Tony said, though that expression on Natasha's face said he was sleeping on the couch no matter what tonight, "the _last_ time I gave a kid a flashbang grenade, it worked out really well."

"I should have left you to your advice column," Natasha said.


End file.
